i wanna go back to rb

this world is not what it use to be. as i observe the surroundings many times a day, it looks unfamiliar now. the people, the scenery, the weather, and even the sound of the wind blowing into my face is all foreign. its like im living on a new planet and the people there are still the same, but somehow, they're just totally different and deformed in many ways. the people here, their world still revolves around the immaturity of their old lives, where fun was something they couldnt live without. i look at the people that i use to know and i cannot understand their so called language anymore. what they say, what they do, what is the meaning of those actions? or is there no meaning whatsoever? i see all the pollution of the modern day technology and it gives me this sense of incapability. its like i dont belong here in the world we know. i belong somewhere else. i belong with God. i belong with people who is in the same world as i am in. i belong with my rb crew. and even sometimes i feel like i dont belong with my church friends. its not that they dont give me this sense of belonging, but its just that when im with them, i have this limitation of what i can do, which is weird because its suppose to be different, i assume. yes, they tell me, "you can do anything you want," but it just doesnt seem that way to me. but when im with my rb crew, i really can do whatever i want. God's the same way. when i am with Him, i can do whatever i want (trust me, nothing bad) and He'll be there, just to be with me. maybe its that satisfaction that jack always talks about. that we always need something more. or it could be totally different. i dont need anything more other than God Himself. i just need to be with the people i feel most compatible with, people i feel safe with, no matter how unsafe they could be. and yes that is scary at times. i trust my church friends, dont get me wrong, but it's too safe. haha.. what's life without risks? i use to hear that all the time and i never got it. i've always wanted to be safe at all times, but as i grew up, i realized that everything is dangerous so it really shook me. its easy to say that you love something and yet its hard to say that too. i can easily say how much i love God, my church friends, and my rb crew, but it's harder to say it when im with my church friends more than my rb crew. why is that? i dunno if any of this makes any sense to any of you, but like all of us, or most, we have mixed feelings from time to time and it's just one of those things where you cant really explain, not because you dont know the reason really but its because it's just too complicated to say in words. some might say that thats never the case, i say HA! there are times when i really cannot describe something. or else i would. right? i've gotten to the point where i had to really think about who are the people in my life that make me and my heart feel free.


God & darin.
im in looooove.
& my head hurts.